As heard on late-night talk radio:
Men, maybe you're like me. For years I tried to downplay my problem. Sure, every now and again I'd have trouble remembering which way I'd been going in the mall before turning in to a store. And maybe I'd occasionally have trouble finding my car in the parking lot, or forget which entrance I came in. Actually, I didn't really spend that much time at the mall, but you understand I'm just giving examples, right? How about this? I'd get off the freeway at a rest stop, then accidentally go back the way I came. Roadtrip, right? That's manlier than shopping at the mall, isn't it?
Anyway, it started happening more and more, and I got worried. So I talked to my doctor, and he diagnosed me with Directile Dysfunction. I have to tell you, it was hard hearing those words, but strangely liberating, because I knew I wasn't the only one. When I asked him what could be done, my doctor prescribed Ciatlas (see-at-lass). I've got to tell you, my life has changed. Now I know I can be ready when I'm in the driver's seat, and have confidence that I'll get where I want to go. There's even a Daily Dose pill I can take to battle my D.D. How awesome is that? D.D. to help with my D.D.
Guys, admitting your problem is just the first step. Don't feel like you're less of a man because you need a prescription for Ciatlas (TM). Just think of me! I still like a good guy movie as much as the next guy. Okay, so I have a slight man crush on Jason Statham. And Robert DeNiro. And Gene Hackman. But that's all!! Okay, Mike Rowe, too. But they're Man Crushes, and that's manly, right? I even watch football when I absolutely have to.
Get the pill. Take the pill. And you, too, can be ready to go the right way when the moment is right. Unless the way is left...but I think you get my meaning.
- O.Handwasher (a real person's pen name)