Dear Hillsboro Driver,
Perhaps your otherwise harmonious, 32-mph commute has recently been jostled by the appearance of an annoying phenomemon: the cyclist. There has been a major uptick in the numbers of these pests, and dealing with them can be difficult. Here are a few tips for making their commute as miserable as yours:
- Take away the bike lane - Why should the cyclists get their own lane? That lane is rightfully yours to use to find out What is Going On Up There? Whenever the mood strikes, just stick your front fender out there.
- Invite collisions - There's nothing more annoying than being stuck in a long line of stationary traffic and then seeing a cyclist flying by. Why should he get to cruise while you sit? Make it more interesting for him by randomly stopping to let other cars in. You can even justify it as being kind to other drivers. Time it so the cyclist's path will intersect with the crossing driver. Grievous injury is funny.
- Four-way-stop, four ways to harass - The last thing you want to be is predictable. When you come to the four-way-stop, you're probably aware that right-of-way goes to the vehicle on the right (Oh, right, you didn't know that...Never mind). The cyclist probably does know this, and will expect you do abide by the rules. Don't. Actually, do. Sometimes. Other times, give him a wave and let him go. If he refuses, go yourself. Or give him the wave, then go, and honk at him if he tries to. I titled this "four ways to harass," but there are probably infinite permutations here.
- No bike lane, no bikey - Technically, when there's no bike lane, the cyclist is entitled to the entire lane. In such a situation, you may find yourself behind the cyclist. Don't take it sitting down. Rev your engine loudly. Even if you have an opportunity to pass, you can irritate the cyclist (and your fellow drivers) more by hanging out until the cyclist moves over. In the event you feel you need to pass, go ahead, but give the cyclist a nice blast of the horn.
- If you're wrong, honk - Sometimes you won't be consciously thinking about trying to irritate cyclists, but you'll still do something they'd refer to as "moronic." This unexpected boon can be turned into cyclist-irritant-gold. Just give him a blast of the horn. Maybe three or four seconds' worth. You did something wrong. Why not take it out on him? Just because you weren't trying to drive like an idiot doesn't mean you shouldn't admit to being one.
Following these simply guidelines will help ensure that Hillsboro is a terrible place for bike commuters. Do your part, and then get back out there and drive 32 in a 45 zone and 34 in a 25!!! Drive like a Hillsboroan!!!
Sincerely,
Maurice "I Honk, Therefore I am" Ron